Defend Me

People always claim that I'm mysterious. Aloof. Casual. That's exactly how I want it. The less people really see, the easier it is to lie to them, to convince them that I'm not a direct product of my upbringing and the world I grew up in.

I see everything that goes on around me. Learning someone's strengths and weaknesses is second nature to me. Where I'm from, everything is a game and the only acceptable outcome is to be the winner, even if you have to lie, manipulate, and give away parts of yourself.

Maybe that's why I feel empty everyday. But they'll never know because I have my shit together.
Until I didn't.

I was ready to put off my future for a while and try to enjoy college.
Until I couldn't.

I was committed to surface level relationships and was an expert at remaining unattached.

Until him.

He breaks through all my defenses and he doesn't even know he's doing it. He's the calm in my storm, the moonlight above the dark pit inside of me. But I can't have him. I'll break him and I can never let that happen, even if it means denying myself the one thing I've ever wanted enough to question my life, my parents, and their world.

I can't have him. That's all that matters in the end.